suc·cess [suhk-ses]

A word, in my opinion, that goes hand-in-hand with love – everybody wants it, everybody describes it differently depending on their perspective and once it is attained, the percentages of self-happiness are often still low.

Why is this?

In life, we each go through the stages of development: infancy, childhood, adolescence and adulthood.

During the adolescent years of our lives, we learn that success is a must. Our focus is no longer in developing our character traits, rather, it is aimed more towards the ‘important’ things in life. “What will I choose as a career path? Where will my choice in a career path take me? Will I earn enough to survive & support myself? Support a family?” At eighteen we are considered adults according to society, yet by the time we are able to accomplish each of these responsibilities (make a sufficient salary, support ourself, etc.) we are officially ‘grown’ and society will let us know through the bills, income, and… income taxes. So whats left to do from here? Remain successful of course! Keep working towards the top, aiming to be the best in your profession, taking with you the few lessons you may learn along the way about other people in dealing with them.

But what about that stage in your childhood you were at before society deemed you an adult? When you were focused on developing character traits, learning about yourself and lessons of morality? Before you began looking at what would make you successful?

Truthfully, it happens to the best of us. We become so wrapped up in the pressures society puts on us, that we are forced to become content in our ways – rarely looking to better ourselves, merely just wanting to better our lifestyle. We recognize our flaws, and often accept them by saying, “This is who I am, this is who I will always be. Get with it, or get lost.”  By doing this, there are always going to be issues that set us back.

As mentioned in a previous post, I read that it is important to love yourself in a relationship. Just as it is important to love yourself in love and in life, it is important to love yourself in the road to success as well. But don’t just love yourself – toughLove yourself. Don’t become complacent in your ways, for it will allow you to be unhappy in the long run. Recognize your flaws, as well as your potentials and strengths. Work towards eliminating the flaws that may hinder some of your relationships with your loved ones or those around you. Build on your strengths; don’t allow society to distract you from what you are capable of being, who you are intended to be. Keep going, keep growing.

Love and relationships are presented to us as this glamorous necessity at a young age.  If not first through a healthy relationship between our parents, then subtly through Disney movies with the beautiful princess and handsome prince that live happily ever after.  As a result, we grow up expecting the presence of such relationships in our lives with no clear instructions on how to attain them.  The truth is, there are no real instructions.  A lot of dating and relationships is just trial and error.  You encounter different people to help you discover your likes and dislikes, what works for you and what doesn’t.

I was talking with a friend the other day that was really down on themselves about not being able to find someone to settle down with.  They were tired of being lonely, getting rejected and disappointed and feeling undesired by the opposite sex.  After listening to my friend, I further realized the importance of loving yourself first to building a healthy relationship with someone else.

Nobody knows YOU better than YOU and your relationship with yourself should take priority over your relationship with anyone else.  If you don’t think and feel that you are absolutely amazing, then why should anyone else?  You don’t really give them a reason to.  You should know and feel more than anyone else what a wonderful person you are.  If you don’t feel like the wonderful and amazing person that you are, then you need to work on that first and foremost before pursuing a relationship.  Learning how to be alone and love yourself is necessary because you have to be able to be happy and love yourself when it’s just you.  Otherwise, you depend on the other person for that validation and unfortunately, sometimes people take advantage of that.  If you feel good about yourself, then it doesn’t matter who mistreats or rejects you.  At the end of the day, you always know that they are the ones missing out and not you.  It is so important to (wait for and) find someone that recognizes how great you are and values and appreciates your presence in their lives.  When you are dealing with people, especially outside of your family (but even sometimes in your family), you never know how long they are going to be in your life.  A lot of people are meant to be in your life for only a season.  You have to be careful about whom you invest your time, energy and emotions in, however you can NEVER go wrong with investing in yourself. 

This past week, the entire world witnessed history in the form of universal health care. Ask one person, it’s the greatest thing ever. Ask another and it’s proof the country is on its last leg and Obama is the reason. I tell you like this, I don’t feel one way or the other about the bill. As a matter a fact, here are six things I’ve come to conclude about health care reform.

1. One thing is definite – no one deserves to die from not getting proper care because they couldn’t “afford” the cost. Life is priceless whether you’re Bill Gates offspring or a single mother in the hood trying to raise her kids the best way possible.

2. Even with the passing of this bill, I pray people don’t manipulate the system and go to the doctor for every little ailment. Take enough Motrin and drink enough water and that common cold will leave in a few days. Like it always did, before health care. Realize, in theory, this bill is for people who really need it. No one likes a cherry picker.

3. This bill was over 2,000 pages. Why is this important? I don’t think you can honestly place true judgment on this bill EITHER WAY because no one has read the whole damn thing. People aren’t necessarily opposed to health care. It’s lifelong morals and beliefs manifesting itself in the physical form.

4. If I can really stay on my parents insurance until I’m 26, I’m all for it. What’s the catch though?

5. Joe Biden is the man if he really dropped the “f-bomb” before Obama signed the bill. Supposedly he said, “This is a big f#ckin’ deal.” You know Obama wanted to respond, “I know my n#gga. I know.”

6. Lastly, if this means my grandmother can get her medicine cheaper, then I am ALL for this bill. That’s my heart.

The same opposition and backlash from the passing of this bill sparks eerie resemblance to another time in social reform some 45 years ago. I’d say the Voting Rights Act of 1965 worked out alright in the long run. Only time will tell how HCR 2K10 will fair.

In elementary school, one of the most exciting things for me was to get my homework returned with a colorful little sticker on it.  I don’t even remember if they actually gave grades or anything like that but that sticker was always associated with a job well done.  As I got older, actual letter or number grades replaced the stickers.  How well I was doing compared to my peers or how each grade affects my chances of earning an A in the class became of more concern.

Last semester was an extremely challenging time for me.  I struggled with the pressures of getting good grades, adjusting to a new environment and maintaining my sanity through it all!  This semester has been going a lot better.  It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to look back at low points in my life with a deep sense of accomplishment and recognizing the extreme amount of strength that was necessary to rise above it.  It’s even better when other people notice it too! (Note: Strength, motivation, etc… are enhanced by others and should not be dependent on it)

I’m taking a class this semester that is taught by a professor that I had last semester.  The last two graded assignments I’ve had have been returned with notes from my teacher saying that he is seeing an improvement, he’s glad to see it and to keep it up.  Seeing those notes took me back to the days when those colorful stickers indicated approval of my work.  It caught me off guard because it has been so long since those days and I’m in graduate school where your motivation and discipline are mostly expected and required rather than given or encouraged.  I didn’t know that my professor cared or that he even paid enough attention to me to notice any changes.

I started thinking about the wonderful people that I have in my life.  They care about me, pay attention to me and want nothing but the best for me.  They know my potential and want me to fulfill and exceed it.  I feel that their presence in my life is a true blessing.  Then, I wondered if they knew it.  As much as I enjoy receiving the encouragement, do I give out comparable encouragement to those around me when they need it?  Do I even encourage those that encourage me to ‘keep up the good work’ and adequately show my appreciation?   Does a simple thank you and smile really accurately express the amount of appreciation I have for them?  Do I assume they can just read my mind and automatically know?

I encourage you to remember that just as much as those ‘colorful little stickers’ at just the right moment make us feel good, other people need the love and encouragement at some point too.  When the ‘colorful little sticker’ is missing, it opens the door for negative feelings.  Some people are able to use that as motivation to try harder and do better next time.  Others associate it with their potential and self-worth.  In order to spread the positivity to those we love and care about, make a conscious effort to let them know that you love them, appreciate them, notice them, are proud of them and to keep up the good work!

**taps mic**

Been awhile, huh?

I’m not sure if anyone has been noticing, but these earthquakes around the world have had some astronomical effects. Obviously prayers go out to anyone who has lost their lives or have family affected in Chile, Haiti and Taiwan (yeah, a 6.4 quake hit there recently as well). Turn to any news station and you’ll see the devastation. You’ll see what used to be buildings only reduced to a mound of rumble. Sometimes with people trapped underneath. You see the survivors sleeping on the street crying for change. All powerful images which hit you in some shape, form or fashion.

But did you know it changed the Earth’s rotation and actually SHORTENED the day?

The 8.8 earthquake in Latin America last weekend has caused considerable changes throughout the world. Not only was there a tsunami some 6,700 miles away on the other side of the ocean, but the force of the earthquake actually caused the earth to shift three inches off her axis.

Three inches doesn’t sound like all that much, but it is enough of a shift to shorten our days. The earth’s rotation is what determines how long our day is. With the shift, the earth sped up 1.26 microseconds. This means that our day is actually shorter than it was last week at this time. It’s kind of eerie when you think about it – how one natural disaster can change the earth so much.

In short, you probably won’t feel the change of the earth’s rotation. 1.26 microseconds is an unfathomably short period of time. In the time it takes you to read one word, it will have passed.

Crazy right? Scientists believe this won’t effect the climate, but it does help you put things in perspective on how truly powerful these quakes have been. We here at SeeFurtherThanIAm.com continue to pray for in the disaster areas and the families who continue to worry about them.

As said in a previous post, hurt and disappointment inflicted by others is an inevitable experience that we all must face at some point in our lives.  We have no control over the actions of others or the negative feelings their actions can sometimes evoke.  We can either perpetuate the feelings of hurt and disappointment or accept what has happened and begin moving on.

When someone has done us wrong, it’s common for us to take on the role of the victim.  The key is not to exploit this role for attention, sympathy and confirmation, which is very easy to do (and you may not even realize that you are doing it).  After getting hurt, you really just want to know that at least someone out there cares and that someone is on your side, right?  There are plenty of people that care and that are on your side, but this isn’t really the ideal way to go about soliciting their support. (i.e. Telling anyone who will listen about what so & so did to you)

When you ignore someone, talk badly about them, are rude to them, don’t forgive them, etc…you are clearly indicating that you have not yet gotten past the pain that they caused you.  In addition to prolonging the drama, you are either consciously or subconsciously trying to spread your pain to them.  These are not good, healthy ways to deal with your emotions and get closure.  Often times, this causes you to carry baggage into your future relationships. (i.e. Having trust issues because someone cheated on you)

As far as closure goes, I hear too often of people seeking closure from the person that hurt them.  It’s natural to want to know what someone was thinking, why they hurt you, if they ever cared about you.  99% of the time, you are not going to get the answers to those questions because nobody likes to admit when they are wrong or dwell on poor decisions.  Often times, there really isn’t a valid explanation to be offered if they have even thought about it.  I think that actively seeking closure is most times unrealistic.  It can’t be forced.  Additionally, the person that hurt you could potentially identify that your closure is dependent on them and take advantage of that.  (i.e. Everytime you try to walk away, they do or say something to pull you back into the same emotional rollercoaster)

Forgiveness is something that you do on your own time and of your own will.  It should not be dependent on anyone but you.  Once, in a conversation about someone hurting me, my dad gave me some really good advice.  He told me that you just have to take people for what they are.  Regardless of what they did to you, now you know what they are capable of and not to put yourself in that position again and/or to be more cautious.  He told me to make the conscious decision to LET IT GO and no longer let anyone or anything (that most times aren’t even worth your time and energy) steal your joy.

If the person that hurt you has apologized and still wants to pursue a friendship or relationship with you, then this is at your discretion.  If you choose to continue to deal with this person, you should be a little cautious but also make sure you have truly forgiven them.  You can’t hold the past against them when you insinuate that you have forgiven them and are trying to move on.  This is taking a step backwards.  If you find that you can’t move on with that person serving as a constant reminder of the hurt and disappointment that you experienced, then perhaps it’s a sign that they are no more forward steps in the relationship.  At which point, it would be best to continue pursuing the forward steps to forgiveness and moving on independently.

I think that forgiveness is a huge part of the maturation process.  Forgiveness in itself is a process whose length and difficulty vary by situation.  Sometimes, we feel as though certain things could just never ever be forgiven.  I urge you to remember that you are not perfect and have also inflicted hurt and disappointment to someone else at some point in your life.  Hopefully, all encounters with forgiveness (forgiving others, others forgiving us and us forgiving ourselves) are lessons learned about how we allow others to treat us, how we treat others and how we treat ourselves.

My apologies for my absence. To jump right into things, I’m a huge Marsha Ambrosius fan. A real big one. Her voice is angelic and her style compliments her music almost too perfectly. That being said, I plan on being the first in line to purchase her new album, Late Nights & Early Mornings, when it’s released later this year.

To create some hype for the LP and to keep her name in the public eye, Miss Marsha dropped a mixtape, “Yours Sincerely,” a few days ago which has found itself on repeat ever since. It’s an eight track EP showcasing the talents of the former one half of Floetry. Love, heartbreak, all that stuff you like in R&B is there. Except on this one, it’s from a grown vibe. I’ve said on a few other sites that Marsha strikes me as the female version of Maxwell. Mainly because their music is so smooth and it addresses the topic of love, but from a “grown” perspective.

Kick back, press play and be hypnotized by the musings of one of the most talented singers out today.

1. Intro
2. Let Me Go
3. Put It On feat. Angelique
4. She Don’t Matter
5. This Love feat. Glenn Lewis
6. Storm
7. Glass
8. Take Care

DL: Marsha Ambrosius – Yours Sincerely

Tupac and Biggie are, by far, Hip-Hop’s biggest martyrs. But there are other artists who left this world far too soon who also left an indelible mark on the genre. Case in point: Big L.

Before Ma$e brought Harlem World to the forefront and long before Cam’ron created a movement with his Diplomats, Big L was the one who put Uptown on the map. Known for his dizzying and one-of-a-kind rhyme scheme, L was definitely one of New York’s most promising rappers. If you’re still in the dark as to how he died, he was shot close to 10 times in the face and chest before his second album was to hit shelves.

Depending who you ask, the bullet was meant to send a message to his older brother (who was later murdered in 2002). Over a decade later, answers still remain unclear, but his legacy is settled. There’s not much I can say that hasn’t already been said about L. I, unfortunately, didn’t really begin listening to him until after his death in 1999. One thing I’ll always wonder, however, is if the rumors were true of him potentially signing to Rocafella. I’m no A&R, but a label with him, Jay-Z, a young and hungry Beanie Sigel and State Property could have produced unprecedented results. Add in Cam and the Dips joining a few years later and Kanye becoming a superstar and the R.O.C. could have become even more powerful than eventually turned out to be.

Speaking of Jay and L, sit back and page homage to the legend with one of the greatest example of lyricsm in Hip-Hop history. Big L and Hov’s now immortal “7 Minute Freestyle.” This was recorded in 1995, a year before Jay released his debut album, Reasonable Doubt. R.I.P. Lamont Coleman.

DL: Big L & Jay-Z – “7 Minute Freestyle”

Crazy Times

I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but the weather around the country lately has been odd to say the least.

Weather is unpredictable, that much we know. But what it has been doing recently has been out of control.

1. Snow Storm 2K10 – If you live anywhere on the East Coast, you’re probably up to your neck in snow by now. I live in DC and over the past week we’ve seen 50 inches of snow with more to come Saturday and Monday. Philly has been hit just as hard as well. Then again everywhere has. To further complicate things, it’s snowing in Dallas. Go figure.

2. Chi-Town shake up – Ok, this isn’t technically “weather,” but you get my drift. I haven’t heard of any deaths, so that’s a positive, but after the events in Haiti the word “earthquake” is frightening, regardless of magnitude. A quake in Chi-Town though? Never in a million years would I have guessed that.

3. Meteor hits Mexico – Again, not exactly “weather,” but this happened TODAY. Don’t believe me, click here. It left a 30 meter crater too.

Crazy, unpredictable world we live in. I’m still not buying that 2012 stuff though. If I’m wrong, well, it’s not much I can do about it anyway.

Have you ever wondered why you always end up getting hurt?  Have you ever wondered what you have done to deserve the constant lack of respect for you and your feelings?  Have you ever wondered why your kind and caring approach to people isn’t always reciprocated?

I have discovered the answer…in most cases, it is because people only treat you the way that you allow them to.  We have a lot more control than we choose to realize over the kinds of feelings that would cause one to pose the questions listed above.  We are not as helpless and powerless as we think we are.  As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

The problem is we hold onto who that person was or who we want them to be.  We make excuses for their behavior.  It takes two people to have a friendship or be in a relationship and one person cannot carry that weight.  It’s simply impossible.  In doing so, it is inevitable that we experience the hurt, disrespect and lack of reciprocity.  Is it really worth it?  Life is too short to try to change someone that you know doesn’t want to change.  What you can change is them being in your life.  Of course, this is much easier said than done.  Letting go is one of the hardest things we face in life.  However, time is one of the most unforgiving things.  Once it’s gone, you can never get it back.  So ask yourself, are you investing your time in the actual person or who they used to be or who they have the potential to be?

Always remember, you are wonderful and amazing!  Anyone should be happy to share a friendship or relationship with you and if they choose not to, then that is their loss.  You deserve nothing less than the best.