Forgiving Others

As said in a previous post, hurt and disappointment inflicted by others is an inevitable experience that we all must face at some point in our lives.  We have no control over the actions of others or the negative feelings their actions can sometimes evoke.  We can either perpetuate the feelings of hurt and disappointment or accept what has happened and begin moving on.

When someone has done us wrong, it’s common for us to take on the role of the victim.  The key is not to exploit this role for attention, sympathy and confirmation, which is very easy to do (and you may not even realize that you are doing it).  After getting hurt, you really just want to know that at least someone out there cares and that someone is on your side, right?  There are plenty of people that care and that are on your side, but this isn’t really the ideal way to go about soliciting their support. (i.e. Telling anyone who will listen about what so & so did to you)

When you ignore someone, talk badly about them, are rude to them, don’t forgive them, etc…you are clearly indicating that you have not yet gotten past the pain that they caused you.  In addition to prolonging the drama, you are either consciously or subconsciously trying to spread your pain to them.  These are not good, healthy ways to deal with your emotions and get closure.  Often times, this causes you to carry baggage into your future relationships. (i.e. Having trust issues because someone cheated on you)

As far as closure goes, I hear too often of people seeking closure from the person that hurt them.  It’s natural to want to know what someone was thinking, why they hurt you, if they ever cared about you.  99% of the time, you are not going to get the answers to those questions because nobody likes to admit when they are wrong or dwell on poor decisions.  Often times, there really isn’t a valid explanation to be offered if they have even thought about it.  I think that actively seeking closure is most times unrealistic.  It can’t be forced.  Additionally, the person that hurt you could potentially identify that your closure is dependent on them and take advantage of that.  (i.e. Everytime you try to walk away, they do or say something to pull you back into the same emotional rollercoaster)

Forgiveness is something that you do on your own time and of your own will.  It should not be dependent on anyone but you.  Once, in a conversation about someone hurting me, my dad gave me some really good advice.  He told me that you just have to take people for what they are.  Regardless of what they did to you, now you know what they are capable of and not to put yourself in that position again and/or to be more cautious.  He told me to make the conscious decision to LET IT GO and no longer let anyone or anything (that most times aren’t even worth your time and energy) steal your joy.

If the person that hurt you has apologized and still wants to pursue a friendship or relationship with you, then this is at your discretion.  If you choose to continue to deal with this person, you should be a little cautious but also make sure you have truly forgiven them.  You can’t hold the past against them when you insinuate that you have forgiven them and are trying to move on.  This is taking a step backwards.  If you find that you can’t move on with that person serving as a constant reminder of the hurt and disappointment that you experienced, then perhaps it’s a sign that they are no more forward steps in the relationship.  At which point, it would be best to continue pursuing the forward steps to forgiveness and moving on independently.

I think that forgiveness is a huge part of the maturation process.  Forgiveness in itself is a process whose length and difficulty vary by situation.  Sometimes, we feel as though certain things could just never ever be forgiven.  I urge you to remember that you are not perfect and have also inflicted hurt and disappointment to someone else at some point in your life.  Hopefully, all encounters with forgiveness (forgiving others, others forgiving us and us forgiving ourselves) are lessons learned about how we allow others to treat us, how we treat others and how we treat ourselves.